M'aih
by Lalaith Quetzalli
Summary: He thought Spock had to be absolutely nuts to want to go down there… and yet he still went. Because Jim knew what it was like to be willing to do anything to protect those you love, maybe not a mother, but then again, Winona had never been much of one, but M'aih… yeah, he understood. So he went... Or the one where Jim follows Spock down the Vulcan to save his mom. (Slash warning)


Don't own Star Trek; no version of it, which is a pity, but what can we do? Other than write loads of fanfiction, I mean.

I am Mexican, meaning English is not my first language, Also, I don't have a beta, all mistakes are my own and I apologize in advance for them (I do my best to check over my work before posting but I always miss something).

I began reading Star Trek fanfics mostly by accident, had been in the Sherlock fandom, there were some good-looking crossovers with this one, got the basic information and got reading them; then I got tired of the Sherlock fandom and the Star Trek one looked interesting so... yeah. Wasn't planning on writing fics, I was going to just read, while also working on my next original novel... got into a bit of a Writer's Block with that one and ended planning two fics, though I only actually wrote one, here it is.

I've only ever watched the Alternate movies, though thanks to some wikipedia articles and a hell of a lot of fanfiction I know quite a bit of what happened in the other movies and the series (and even some of the comics). Still, this fic is based only on the latest trilogy of movies.

From the first time I watched Star Trek I hated the fact that Amanda died. I know it was a defining moment for Spock, but I still hated it. Then, I was watching a video that started with the moment when Spock goes down to Vulcan and Jim yells at him he can't do it... I wondered what would have happened if instead of doing that Jim had done what he'd come to be known for doing later on, jumping straight on, going against all odds and hoping for the best. This fic was born then. I really, really hope you'll enjoy it.

All the Vulcan words and phrases come from the VLD, and the names from the kirshara website in wordpress.

Now, enough with my notes and on with the story!

* * *

M'aih

 _By: Lalaith Quetzalli_

 _He thought Spock had to be absolutely nuts to want to go down there… and yet he still went. Because Jim knew what it was like to be willing to do anything to protect those you love, maybe not a mother, but then again, Winona had never been much of one, but M'aih… yeah, he understood. So he went._

It was madness, absolute insanity and yet…

The landing punched the air out of his lungs, both of their lungs, it was preferable to breaking every bone in their bodies when landing on the surface of a planet falling into pieces, of course, but still. Jim could only pray he'd never need to do something like that ever again. Much as he might enjoy extreme sports… just no.

When the order came to clear the pad, his mind still wasn't working right, he didn't understand what Spo… the Captain… (the bloody bastard who only a few hours ago had tried to get him expelled over something as petty as cheating on a freaking test that was a cheat in and of itself! And then he'd the gall to say his dad lost! When he saved over eight hundred lives! What did the green-blooded dick know anyway?!) Spock.

The moment he understood what he'd just said, Jim reacted:

"The surface of what?" Spock couldn't be intending what Jim thought he intended, right? He couldn't be that nuts. "What, are you going down there? Are you nuts?" Except, apparently he was. "Spock you can't do that!"

He would never know what made him move, exactly. Or so he'd claim, were anyone to ask him. His move was instinctive, as he jumped back onto the transporter, going on one knee just like Spock had, the exact moment he gave the order:

"Energize!"

Jim swayed a bit as he touched ground again, ground that was moving so much he almost felt nauseous. He used his left hand to balance himself, only to pull it back up immediately, right, he was hurt. He didn't even think about it as he pulled off his glove, allowing him access to the wound and the piece of… something, embedded in it; cleaning as best he could.

"What are you doing here?!" Spock demanded, turning in his direction.

"What do you think?" Jim couldn't help the defensive tone. "Helping you." He waved a hand before Spock could say anything else. "Just lead the way and let me help. We've no time."

Jim really didn't want Spock to make the all-too-important question, not right then, when he didn't know how to answer. It wasn't that he didn't know why he was doing it, because he did. Just like he knew that Spock wasn't truly there for the Vulcan Elders, he was there for his family. Jim knew what it was like to be willing to do anything to protect those you love, and he also knew what it felt like to fail… he wouldn't allow Spock to feel that. Of course, he couldn't explain that, the Vulcan would never understand what drove him, a simple human, to help him, the very man who just hours earlier tried to destroy his life, and before the whole Academy too!

" _There comes a time in every individual's life, male and female, human, vulcan and any other species, when they must decide what it is they're willing to fight for…"_

That's what she told him, what she taught him. Jim may have failed once, he wouldn't again.

Thankfully, Spock didn't make things harder than they had to be, he lead Jim straight to the temple where the Elders were gathered, his mother with them. Jim chose not focus on them, on the way he held her, so tightly, making sure she wouldn't fall behind, that she would be alright…

 _Jim saw himself, all of fifteen years old, holding a little boy in his arms as he ran, other children were ahead of him, also running. There were tears falling down his eyes and his head was pounding with the pain of what he'd just lost, but he knew he couldn't stop, because if he stopped it'd all be worthless, her sacrifice would be pointless as they'd all die. He couldn't allow that, he had to live, and he'd to make sure Riley and the others did too. He owed it to them, and to all the dead, all 4,163 of them… and to her, especially to her…_

"M'aih..." Jim didn't even notice when the word slipped from his lips, thankfully no one seemed to notice, no one commented on it at least.

"Spock to Enterprise." Spock's voice pulled him fully back to the present. "Beam us out now!"

"Locking on you." Chekov (he thought that was the kid's name) announced over the comm. "Don't move. Stay right where you are."

Jim knew he should listen to the kid, it was his life, all their lives on the line really, but he just couldn't help the foreboding feeling… something was coming, something big, something bad. The last time he'd felt like that… he could barely hold back a wince even as he pushed the memory as far into the back of his own brain as he could.

" _The revolution is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures…"_

The earthquake got worse then, pieces of the planet began breaking apart and falling into the growing voids…

Jim realized what was going to happen a fraction of a second before it did. He didn't even stop to think about it, just threw himself into action. He'd just wound an arm around the woman's waist when the cliff collapsed beneath their feet. Jim threw his other arm out, looking for something, anything to stop their fall. A hand enveloped his own even as he heard Chekov's cries about almost losing them… and then the white lights of the transport beam enveloped them.

For the second time in less than an hour (less than half an hour? Honestly, Jim hadn't the slightest idea, his sense of time had gotten wonky what with all the falls and near-death experiences) he landed hard on the transporter pad and consoled himself with the fact that at least he was alive… they were alive.

He thought he could hear someone calling 'Mother' but couldn't be sure, the voice sounded… odd, almost as if he were hearing with something other than his ears. And Jim had no idea how the hell that was even possible… then again, perhaps all the falls and near-deaths had shaken something lose inside his head and he was going nuts or something… and it so wasn't the time to go insane!

He was pulled abruptly back to the present as the body half on him was pulled away. As someone helped the woman he'd saved stand. He blinked several times, eventually managing to see what was going on. Spock and another Vulcan were standing very close to the woman, touching her (and in that moment Jim wondered who ever thought the whole 'Vulcans are emotionless' was anything other than bullshit).

"C… Mr. Kirk." Spock called, and Jim thought he could almost sense the multitude of emotions flashing through his dark (dazzling) eyes.

"You saved my life..." The woman breathed out, looking at him with so much love and gratitude Jim couldn't help the pang in his heart even as he flushed.

"You have, indeed, saved she who is my wife." The Vulcan man, apparently Spock's father, stated in a most solemn tone. "You have my gratitude Mr…."

"Kirk… James Tiberius, son of George." James stated in his most formal tone as his right hand automatically shaped the ta'al. "And I was just doing my duty, sir, ma'am."

Spock didn't say a word, but it was as if Jim was hearing his 'Thank you' loud and clear inside his head anyway, and that was enough.

 **xXx**

Jim wasn't sure how exactly he ended being in charge of the vulcan children on board, he just did. Perhaps it was the fact that no one seemed to know what to do about them. The elder vulcans were too busy fighting to control themselves (it didn't look like it, of course, to anyone else they probably looked as impassive as ever; but Jim knew…), and the humans just had no idea what to do. So Jim, once again, took things in his own hands.

In a relatively short time he had all vulcans who looked like children (he'd no idea how vulcan and human ages related, and he was also aware that most vulcans tended to mature a lot earlier than humans did; but he decided to be a bit arbitrary and ended pulling on those he could see needed it and weren't being helped by anyone else). It was probably a good thing that, due to the emergency and the fact that almost all experienced officers were in the Laurentian System, the Enterprise had been sent out with only the barest minimum crew; that meant that they could probably accommodate the close to 12 hundred vulcans with some effort once they all began sharing quarters. Nearly a hundred of those were what Jim would consider minors; though not all of them seemed to need help, only those who looked like they might be under teen truly looked to be at a loss, so those were the ones he pulled into an empty conference room.

He'd pilfered all the emergency blankets he could from medbay and asked help from a couple of security officers to get padded mats into the room. Once in he arranged the children in twos and threes, each group under one blanket.

"Tushah nash-ve k'dular (I grieve with thee)." He acknowledged first of all, making sure to use the right form so they'd know he saw them as what they were children, and respected them.

"What are we doing here?" One of the girls dared ask.

She was the only one not under a blanket yet, standing beside him, curling just a bit into herself. Jim could almost sense the grief gnawing at her. The blonde placed his hand on the back of her neck, pressing just slightly, focusing on warmth and safety. She went almost limp even as she pressed against his side. Giving Jim just enough time to hold her up for a moment, before he too sat down, settling her against him; they had no blanket, but as a human he ran at a higher temperature than vulcans, so he hoped that would be enough.

"I won't lie to you." He told them. "What just happened was a terrible tragedy. Your elders need time to regain their balance, until then, I will do my best to make sure you too are well. The blankets are to give you physical warmth, while I hope the close contact with another will give you mental and emotional peace."

He knew the best way to help the children was to distract them with something physical, but they didn't really have anything on the ship that could be used in such a way, so he sought to distract them in a different way. Once again 'she' came to mind, the way she'd once distracted them, when grief, and terror and hunger had threatened to destroy them all even more surely than the weapons of the 'guard' looking for them.

"Now, how about a song?" He proposed. "There's this old human song. It's called 'What a Wonderful World', you probably haven't heard it before. M… someone I knew when I was younger, said the song was excellent to share what we loved most about places we might have seen. So I'll begin, I'll sing a couple of stanzas so you get the idea, and then it'll be your turn, we'll be going clockwise, ok?"

The children didn't look too convinced just yet, but they were giving him a chance, and for Jim that was enough:

"I see trees of green, red roses too

I see them bloom for me and you

And I think to myself what a wonderful world"

"I see skies of blue and clouds of white

The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night

And I think to myself what a wonderful world"

The girl beside him was the first to take up the song, singing about hot red sands and a moonless night; and somehow that was enough, the next kid, a boy added some lines about sehlats and lematyas, and ancient ceremonies; eventually some began singing about other planets, and Jim could pick up on the way they began to settle as the singing went on.

It took a while for Jim to sense the presence at the door. He was very careful when moving back, so as not to distract the children. He even managed to leave the girl who'd been cuddling into him, with two others who seamlessly added her to their group. Once he was sure the singing wouldn't stop he stood and went to Uhura, who was standing at the room's door, along with what looked like close to half a dozen vulcans.

"Eh…?" For a moment Jim had no idea what to say.

"Dif-tor heh smusma (Live long and prosper)." The very old-looking woman at the front of the group greeted him.

"Sochya eh dif (Peace and long life)." Jim replied automatically in perfect Vulcan.

"I am T'Pau, matriarch of the House of Surak." The elderly vulcan-lady stated. "You saved our lives, James son of George."

"Like I said before, I was only doing my duty, ma'am." Jim bowed his head respectfully.

"And what you did for the children… was that duty as well?" T'Pau arched a brow as she questioned his intentions, though he could somehow tell she wasn't really angry.

"I know what it is like to be young and not know how to deal with my own emotions." Jim shrugged a bit.

"Most people would claim vulcans have no emotions." T'Pau stated.

Jim couldn't miss her choice of words. She knew what he thought about all that.

"Will all due respect ma'am, I know better." Jim answered firmly.

"Eh..." Uhura cleared her throat even as she blushed a bit in embarrassment. "My apologies Lady T'Pau, but the Captain is requesting Lt. Kirk's presence on the bridge."

"Of course." T'Pau nodded, waving a hand in dismissal.

Kirk and Uhura bowed to her once before taking their leave; Jim hoping that whatever T'Pau and the other vulcans did, they'd not undo what he'd managed with the children. Still, he supposed they weren't his business anymore (they technically never had been), the captain was calling him.

"I didn't know you spoke Vulcan." Uhura commented, trying to sound offhanded, as they waited for the lift to get them to the bridge.

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me Uhura." Jim told her quietly.

"Yeah, you gonna tell me you're not the dick I met that night in Iowa?" She snorted.

"No." Jim threw his head back, as if contemplating something. "I will never deny the things I've done, what I've been. But you judging me three years later over what happened in less than fifteen minutes… wouldn't you say that's ridiculous? You don't know me Uhura, never have. Yet you keep seeing me as less because one night I made a pass at you."

"You forget the part were you were drunk..." Uhura began.

"Ah, but was I?" He arched a brow at her almost provocatively. "I'll let you in on a little secret Lieutenant, I'm never drunk. In fact, I never drink more than two strong drinks at most, after which I shift to juices or water, made to look like cocktails. Most of the time even that isn't necessary. I'm good at making it seem like I'm drinking a lot more than I do. After two drinks? Well, you wouldn't want me working with anything sensitive in Engineering or something, but aside for that, it's just fine. It's not even illegal to drive like that!" He let out a breath. "Being drunk means ceding control, that's not something I'm comfortable with, and that's about all I'll be saying about it. Suffice it to say that, like I mentioned before, you don't know me..."

"Does anyone?" Uhura couldn't help but ask.

She didn't even bring up the rumors about him being promiscuous, willing to have sex with anyone and anything, no preference for race, gender or looks; chances were that one would be as wrong as the one about him being a drunk.

Jim didn't get the chance to answer the question (though it was unlikely he'd have anyway). He didn't know what had made him tell her as much as he had, in all honesty. Only Bones knew about his deal with most bartenders in San Francisco, and even he didn't fully understand the reason, other than it was connected to a very traumatic event of his past, something that wasn't in any records (he made sure of that).

The moment the lift's doors opened, it was as if something Jim hadn't been consciously aware of settled inside him. He couldn't have pinpointed what it was exactly, but he couldn't help but take a deep breath. Whatever they were heading into was sure to be a mess, but he somehow felt more at easy than he'd been before.

 **xXx**

It had, indeed, been a mess of epic proportions, and not just because one planet had already been destroyed, and Nero threatened to do the same to Earth, and every other planet in the Federation. There had been some disagreement at first, regarding what should be done. Sulu had pointed out Captain Pike's instructions to stand down and join the rest of the Fleet in the Laurentian System; to which Kirk had reminded him he'd also told them to go get him back.

The argument had gotten heated, until Spock and Kirk happened to agree. The Narada was on its way to Earth, to destroy it like it had Vulcan, there was no time to rendezvous with the Fleet. Not if they wanted to save the planet. Surprisingly enough, the fight ended then and there, no one contradicted them, or tried to insist on another course of action. And it wasn't like the doubts didn't exist still, or the fears; but there was just something about those two agreeing… as if just that was somehow enough to guarantee success.

They got further help when Montgomery Scott and Keenser were beamed onto the ship. It was shocking at first, as no one thought people could be beamed onto a ship going at warp, and yet they'd done exactly that. They were also the ones to help Chekov, Spock and Kirk finalize the plan to take on the Narada.

The plan, as it was, was beyond insane. And yet they managed it. They'd gotten Captain Pike back (though no little worse for wear), had destroyed the drill before it could be lowered into Earth's atmosphere and then managed to blow the very substance that had created the black hole at Vulcan's core (in the process listening to a computer in a ship created decades in the future, call Captain Spock Ambassador Spock, and their enemy calling Kirk Captain, and commenting on his story being part of the history books… those had been two serious shocks to the system).

Through it all both Spock and Jim couldn't help but notice a certain… resonance between them, a harmony. They almost seemed to know what the other was going to do before he did it. It was as if they'd been working together for decades, rather than less than an hour.

Returning to Earth hadn't brought the rest most of them were probably expecting, all the opposite in fact as the group that had become the 'Command Crew' endured being debriefed seven ways from Sunday. Neither of them complained, even though, by the time it finally ended they'd been awake for over 48 hours.

That was probably why, once Jim finally managed to drop to bed, the nightmares came.

 _Nightmare probably wasn't the right word, after all, it wasn't an illusion, not completely, it was a memory. At first Jim did his best to detach himself from it, to remind himself it wasn't real, not anymore, he was out of that hellhole, he'd survived… it didn't help. He still had to see it all go to hell again, in flashes: the arrival, the good times, the laughter, the hope… and when it all turned to darkness utterly: the fungus, the nervousness, the hardship, the rationing, the rumors of disappearances… The way some people (like her) tried to make it better, to keep hope alive. And then the order came, the execution order. And then there was nothing except screams, blood, tears, death (murder, and some crimes that were even worse than that), horror, despair…_

Jim woke with a scream lodged inside his throat, his discipline too ingrained to allow him to let it out. It was also why no tears fell. Instead he just sat up on the bed, forcing himself to breath rather than pant. It took longer to get his heart to cooperate, but then again, his control had never been perfect.

It was hours before dawn, but he knew well enough there was no way he'd be going back to sleep, not after that. So he got out of the bed, put his leather jacket (the one he'd stolen from a box in the attic, years ago, the one that once belonged to his father) on over the replicated sleeping pants and black muscle-shirt he was wearing, boots, and left the room.

At first he didn't know where to go. He wasn't in the dorms (after the fight, the loss of so many lives, the lives of their classmates… no one wanted to be in the dorms); he was actually in the Vulcan Embassy, at Lady T'Pau's and Amanda's insistence (supposedly they needed him to help with the children, but he was sure someone else could have done it). It was good though, Bones had taken off for Georgia to see his kid the moment they were all free. Uhura and Gaila (who'd been found, same as another few hundred cadets and officers, enduring in sealed sections of the ships the Narada had destroyed) were staying the night with Nurse Chapel (who actually had housing on her own in San Francisco, rather than having lived in a dorm). Aside from them, Jim's only other friend in Starfleet was Gary Mitchell, and their friendship had been strained since Jim refused to give in to the other man's insistence for them to have sex. Jim hadn't said it, but he just didn't trust Gary enough to allow himself to be that vulnerable with him.

The surprise was the fact that he felt safe in the Embassy. Even though he'd never been there, that the only person there he'd known for longer than a day or so was Spock, and even that wasn't by too much. But there was just something about him that made Jim feel safe…

Eventually Jim made his way to the stone-garden on the back of the embassy grounds, taking a seat on one of the simple benches.

He felt the newcomer before he saw him, didn't even need to look over his shoulder to confirm it was indeed him. Still, Jim said nothing and remained where he stood, letting Spock approach him, or not, at his own discretion.

"Lieutenant..." The vulcan eventually greeted him with a nod of his head, standing almost at parade rest a couple of feet from Jim.

"Captain..." Jim nodded in return, he made a pause, then added. "I'm not sure I should be called Lieutenant, all things told. Haven't graduated after all."

"Perhaps, but as you've already served, that is your proper title unless the Admiralty decides otherwise, and there's no reason why they should." The Captain replied calmly.

Jim blinked, had the man just given him a backhanded compliment? He considered it for a moment and decided to ignore it, it wasn't that important anyway.

"You don't need to call me that anyway." The blonde insisted. "The name is Jim, or Kirk if you prefer." He paused a bit before switching to Vulcan. "I offer you my name, Kirk James Tiberius."

"James..." The vulcan stated in an almost beseeching tone.

"Or just Jim." The blonde said, again in Standard.

"James." The black-haired alien insisted, before adding in Vulcan. "I too offer you my name. I am S'chn T'gai Spock."

"Spock." Jim acknowledged.

They lapsed into silence for a minute or so, only interrupted when Jim was unable to hold back a loud yawn.

"I believe the body requires a number of hours of sleep in order to function at top efficiency, a number I very much doubt has passed since you retired." The Vulcan officer stated in a very formal manner.

"You would know." Jim shrugged.

"Pardon me?" Spock wasn't expecting that.

"My apologies." Jim bowed his head briefly. "I suppose it's my fault you're awake as well. Either because of my dream or my own awakening."

Spock really couldn't seem to find the words to reply to that; which at any other time would have probably made Jim crow with laughter. But not then.

"I can feel you in my head." He clarified simply.

If Spock had been shocked before it was nothing in comparison to how he was then. He didn't move a muscle, but he didn't need to, Jim could feel the rush of different emotions as they ran through him, leaking into the bond even as the vulcan tried to block it.

"It's okay, I don't mind." The blonde assured his superior. "It's been a while since I'd someone in my head… it's nice."

That statement made the black-haired vulcan's mind turn in a different direction.

"That's wasn't a dream." He blurted. "It was your memory."

"Yes." Jim nodded, perhaps unnecessary. "My time in Tarsus IV..."

His time in Tarsus IV… three and a half years Jim had spent in that colony… though only the last four months were truly hell.

"You called her M'aih..." Spock half-asked.

"Her name was T'Lura Ravanok." Jim took a deep breath as he told a story that wasn't only his. "She had no Clan Name, and no father who would give her his name, though she did say that the only family of hers whose memory she honored was Surev, her uncle."

"For a Vulcan lady to have no clan name and no father to give one to her..." Spock broke off.

"She was disavowed, yes. She told me the story once, how in her youth she traveled the stars with her family, and soon learned it was something she wished to do for her whole life. Her father did not agree, he arranged her betrothal, and in the end she promised to return to Vulcan when summoned, but until then she'd spend the time traveling the stars. In the end her traveling came to an end in a most unexpected manner, she was involved in an accident, a Starfleet-issue shuttle crashed on Themys, she helped save dozens of lives, including the young co-pilot, but the sparks of the electrical fire rendered her blind. Back in Vulcan she learned that her so-called betrothed didn't want her, never had, but with her blindness and the scarring on her face… the only reason he was still around was because he wanted the money and status of her clan. He even had a lover and was planning on getting rid of her as soon as possible. Then the Time came and she chose to challenge, Surev was her champion; he died, too old to defeat a young vulcan in the midst of the fever. However, when he went to claim her, she took Surev's lyrpa and fought. Cut her so-called intended open from neck to hairline. He did not die, but the blood loss was enough to pull him out of the fever early. Still, she had broken tradition and she had two options: to become chattel or to be disavowed…"

"And she chose the latter."

"She did. Not sure how she ended on Earth exactly, but she did. She met a man, a pilot called Van Ravanok. He was half human half… some other race, she never told me the details. They were married for years, until he died..."

"How?"

"The Kelvin. Van was on the Kelvin with my parents, a good friend of theirs, actually. T'Lura wasn't because she was pregnant, a pregnancy that was considered high-risk enough that it was decided she'd be safer on Earth…" Jim sighed. "The pain of the broken bond caused T'Lura enough of a shock she miscarried."

"I grieve with thee." Spock couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Thank you." Jim nodded, before continuing with the story. "Sam, my older brother, had been staying with my grandparents, but after dad's death T'Lura became closer, she did her best to help m… Wi… mom with us. At least until mom married Frank, he was a bastard, and racist too. He couldn't say anything about T'Lura being Vulcan as she never acted like it, except for the gloves she wore, but he was always saying bad things about the scar on her face. Once he even said that the only reason she was around was because she was trying to make me into the child she lost. I know that's not true, T'Lura's baby was going to be a girl, she'd already chosen a name and everything: T'Ara… Anyway, Winona only married Frank so she could tie him to us, so she could leave us with him and go back to the stars. She did that before I even began school. Then when I was eleven, almost twelve in fact, I got into a lot of trouble."

For a moment Spock saw in the back of his mind a blonde boy driving a classic car off a cliff, he stopped breathing entirely.

"I jumped off." Jim clarified, realizing what Spock had just seen, as he wasn't really trying to block the bond on his end.

"Did you…? Were you…? Spock couldn't seem to know how to ask the question in his head.

"Was I trying to kill myself? I honestly don't know. I know I realized then that hardly anyone would miss me. Winona was never around, Sam had run away months earlier and Frank hated me. And then I remembered M'aih… She was the one who picked me up at the station when I was taken there by the authorities. Since the car belonged to my family I couldn't really be accused of stealing it or anything. I knew Frank would beat me up if given the chance, as he'd been planning to sell the car to get a lot of money, but I just didn't care. That car had been George's, my dad's, not his, he'd no right to it. M'aih intervened then. I don't know how she did it, but she got Frank to sign the papers and suddenly I was her son, legally and everything."

The memory of that day still made him smile, the day he became James Ravanok…

"It was her idea to leave the planet. Thought it would be easier, a new beginning, and she knew there were opportunities in several colonies. She chose Tarsus IV because they had a program for gifted children. By that point I'd already finished all of human elementary school and had even taken advanced online classes in a couple of universities and done several levels of coursework for the Shi'Kahr Institute."

Spock's eyebrows went up, of course he knew what the Shi'Kahr Institute was… it was the same school he'd attended for his basic education and graduated from before applying for the VSA (and eventually ending up in Starfleet…).

"Tarsus was… at first it was good." Jim went on. "I went through middle and high-school curriculum in three years. Also finished the coursework for the SI, unofficially of course, as I'd have needed a sponsor to do so legally, and M'aih couldn't do that when she'd been disavowed and had no Clan. Then… then hell happened." He let out a shuddering breath. "At first I didn't know what has happening. Not really. Only knew something was going on at all because from one day to the next it wasn't just M'aih and I in the house anymore, but there were a bunch of others, kids, all of them younger than me. The children of our friends. The first few days it felt almost like a party of some kind. I even wondered if M'aih was trying to help me make friends, since I'd such a hard time of it… never seemed to connect with others my own age. But then, a few days in she told me. About the plague, the loss of the crops, the so-called revolution… Governor Kodos had given the order to kill nearly half the colony, and they'd let him! Most of the other half sat on their hands and did nothing while hundreds, thousands of innocents were forcefully taken from their homes and murdered. Thomas, Riley, Madison… all the kids staying with us, they were there because their parents were gone. M'aih knew we wouldn't be able to stay like that forever. While we had some food, it would run out eventually. There was also the risk of Kodos's black army coming after us. We lived out of the way, miles from any of the settlements and even the ranch houses, but still. The risk existed." He shook his head. "Three months, that's how long it took for them to come after us. And it wasn't just the executioners… Kodos himself was there."

James said nothing more, but he didn't need to, Spock was seeing everything…

 _A vulcan lady in an off-white long tunic, sandals and a coral pink veil arranged in such a way it covered her hair and the upper half of her face, hiding her unseeing eyes and the scars around them, was rushing. Thankfully most of the remaining food, clothes and a good number of blankets were packed already. The children knew what to do, she'd taught them everything she could, the rest was up to them. They'd talked about that moment, prepared for it, they were ready… but there was someone who refused to go so easily._

" _Come with us." The blonde, blue-eyed fifteen-year old, her boy, her James, said._

" _You know I cannot do that James." She told him softly, running two fingers through his messy hair. "I'm a liability to you kids. With these blind eyes..."_

" _That's never stopped you before, you can handle it." He insisted._

" _It's not the same." She told him kindly. "I've grown used to living this way, but you've gotta run, you have to survive. I won't be a burden James. I will not put your life, and the lives of those little ones at risk."_

" _So you will give up then?" Realizing begging wouldn't work, he became confrontational._

" _No, I'm giving you a chance." She replied._

 _He'd had no idea, back then, what she'd planned._

" _M'aih..." He began, voice quivering with held down sobs._

" _Go taluhk (precious)..." She whispered, pressing a very human kiss to his brow._

 _He still didn't like it, but he loved her too much to disobey her, so he took little Mattie from Tessa's (the oldest girl, all of thirteen years old) arms, while she pulled the heaviest bag of food over her bag. He still hesitated somewhat, looking over his shoulder even as he followed the others (being lead by Thomas, 13 and the next oldest boy after him) to the backdoor of the house._

 _There was someone pounding at the front door, angry voices outside. He hesitated and then:_

 _*Run James!* The cry was in Vulcan, and it rang inside his mind._

" _Run." He hissed at the children._

 _They'd run out of time._

For a minute or so there was nothing but silence, as the two males took a moment to process James's memory of that day.

"I didn't know it at the time." James eventually said. "But she'd prepared to fight. Her lyrpa was hidden by the door. When the executioners broke it down she attacked them straight out. Killed about half a dozen before they took her down, and twice as many ended with injuries serious enough Kodos had them executed when he decided they were no longer useful."

Because that was the kind of man (monster) Kodos was. And the kind of person (Vulcan) T'Lura had been. One willing to push aside the pacifism of her people and, despite her blindness, become a warrior to protect those she saw as her own. Her James and all the other children who had no one on their corner. No one except a vulcan lady and a boy barely any older than any of them.

"You're JT..." Spock realized right then.

"Yeah." Jim ran a hand through his hair. "It's what the kids called me. We trained ourselves to call each other nicknames rather than our real names, in case we were ever spied on, or caught." He swallowed. "It was a good plan. Even when Tessa got caught, she never gave us up. Then I lost Jerry to poison… they poisoned food and left it for us to find, we didn't realize what was going on in time, and he'd already been sick before, his body couldn't handle it. Two more became sick later on, Madison and Charlie, and I couldn't find any medicine for them, and then Mattie… he was too young for most solid foods… too young to survive the kind of mess we were in, really. So in the end only nine of us were left: Thomas, Riley, Thalia, Katja, Josef, Nayda, Grant, Leah and myself. The Tarsus Nine."

James scoffed at his own words, he'd always thought that name (title) made them sound like some kind of rock band (it was absolutely ridiculous!). He got distracted as he began getting something different from the bond, something he'd never sensed before… the closest had been right when they got back from Vulcan, maybe, but back then the bond had still been forming, so he couldn't be sure.

"You're extraordinary..." Spock breathed out right then.

Jim couldn't help himself, he blushed to the roots of his hair.

"It's the truth." The black-haired vulcan insisted, being able to feel the hint of James's disbelief through their fledgling bond. "You managed to keep eight children and yourself alive even with starvation and countless murderers against you."

Jim didn't point out that he'd also lost five others, and the only mother he'd ever truly known and love, he knew that wasn't really the point. Not in that moment at least…

"Starfleet arrived a month later." James decided to get back to the story. "By then almost two hundred more people had died. As it turned out we weren't the only ones resisting the executions, others fought back. They weren't successful for long, but still, that resistance caused fighting to break out, and dozens of the 'chosen' Kodos had decided deserved to live, began to die as well. Kodos himself died during the fire that broke out near the end. I heard that he'd locked himself in his rooms, in the Governor's mansion to recover from a slash M'aih gave him. He didn't find out about the fire in time, and no one cared to let him know. He was dead by the time Starfleet landed. They arrested his sympathizers and got the rest of us off planet. The kids and I… they tracked our families, aunt, uncles, whoever they could find." He let out a quiet breath. "Neither Frank nor Winona answered, of course, but I didn't care. The first couple of months weren't so bad, we were in mandated therapy, all staying close… and then the bastard of a therapist began talking about some co-dependency bullshit. They convinced the families to split us up. To take their children…"

"They left you alone." Spock realized, horrified.

What the fifteen year old James must have felt, having gone through such a traumatic experience and then abandoned…

"The bastard sent everyone with other therapists, everyone but me." James went on. "My kids wanted to believe he wanted to help me… I knew better. He didn't give a damn about me, about any of us. He just wanted to be able to write in his CV that he treated James Kirk, the infamous Kelvin baby… never mind that I wasn't even going by that name at the time. I knew he was never going to really help me, so I bought a ticket in the first shuttle available and I took off. Spent the next seven years going around, never setting down roots..."

Spock was surprised yet again by the next image to pass through their bond, just for an instant, like a holopic: a dark-skinned, black-haired young woman in a traditional red Kenyan dress. The vulcan knew that young woman…

"Uhura doesn't know it, but that night in that bar in Iowa… that wasn't the first night we met." Jim pointed out. "The first time was years earlier, in Africa, during her sister's wedding. I was doing odd-jobs as I traveled around the world. Back then I was working as a server, I couldn't help but think she was beautiful… it was why I approached her in Riverside, I knew I'd seen her before, was curious how she'd ended in the other side of the world…"

"She believed you to have overindulged..." Spock began.

"She believed me to be drunk. You can say it Spock."

"But you were not."

"No, I wasn't drunk. I've only been drunk twice in my life, and the second was accidental. In any case, by then I knew I never wanted to be drunk again. Because being drunk means losing control and I cannot allow that."

"You've been out of control before." Spock didn't need him to explain, he understood. "You need to feel in control to be alright."

Jim shrugged, there was really no need for either of them to go into that, they understood.

"Why continue irritating her then?" Spock knew it wasn't really about the flirting.

"Flirting is sort-of my default." Jim admitted, a hand on the back of his neck. "I promise to try and tone it down, I know Vulcans are possessive. I flirt a lot, but I hardly ever take anyone to bed. Even the times I've had, it's at their place or a hotel, never mine, and I never spend the night." He took a deep breath. "Sex… sex is easy, spending the night… that would require me trusting the other person, and I don't."

"Yet you accepted to sleep here tonight."

James didn't reply to Spock's words, it wasn't really a question, and there was no need; they both understood the implications.

"Why did you go back to Iowa?" Spock asked, curious.

"Winona died." James shrugged. "Frank tried to lay claim to the inheritance, but it turned out it wasn't his, she left everything to Sam and me. I got a call from Aurelan, my sister-in-law, told me that they needed me there to sign a bunch of paperwork, otherwise Frank would be getting the house… so I came back, claimed my inheritance, and then went to the bar closest to the shipyard, waiting for the first shuttle available, didn't want to stay in Riverside longer than I had too. Didn't exactly plan on that fight, or meeting Pike… cannot say I regret it though."

"Neither do I. I..." Spock hesitated a second before adding. "I owe you my life, and my mother's life and..."

"No." James raised both arms and spoke and vehemently as possible. "Spock no. You owe me nothing. I… I knew what you were feeling. Even before the bond, the look in your eyes… I know what it's like to be willing to do anything to protect those you love, and what it's like to fail… I didn't want you to have to feel the second one."

"And you chose to risk your life so I wouldn't fail..."

James shrugged. He'd said the truth, more than he ever planned to and he still had no better way to explain what had gone through his mind in that moment. The split second where he chose to jump onto the transporter instead of staying on the ship. It was an instinct, and he didn't regret it.

Silence settled over the pair then. Neither would know when exactly Spock had taken a seat beside Jim, it'd just happened. And the two continued sitting there.

"It was her song, you know?" Jim said unexpectedly. "Well, technically it's a very old Terran song, and it was Van's favorite. The whole adding to it, stanzas about things you've seen was a family tradition of his. It was the song M'aih would sing to me when I escaped from my house in the middle of the night and refused to go back. She also had us children sing it in Tarsus, when the wind carried the smoke and noises close enough to make us all unable to sleep."

"And you used it to settle over a dozen vulcan children after they lost everything they had, their whole world and had no idea what to do… and the adults were so lost themselves they couldn't even think about helping them." Spock murmured quietly.

"Like I told Lady T'Pau, I know what it's like to be young and not know how to deal with your own emotions." Jim replied just as quietly.

"You've done so much, for me and mine, my family, my clan, my people… and yet every time one of us tries to thank you, you keep refusing, why is that?"

"Well… I'd like to think we're friends, or at least on our way to being such, and there cannot be debts between friends, it wouldn't be right."

"Yes James, we're friends."

James couldn't hold back his smile. Both at the statement, and what Spock had called him. No one had called him James since T'Lura, he hadn't allowed it, she was the only one who could call him that. And yet… with Spock it just felt right. It was almost as if Spock were saying a lot more than just his name, and Jim liked it, the shivers that ran through him whenever the vulcan said his name, and he could tell he wasn't the only one who felt like that.

Without saying a word James placed his hand beside him, on the bench, palm up. No words were necessary, it took a couple of seconds, but soon enough Spock placed his own hand on top. The moment their skin touched… it was like that instant on Vulcan, only amplified a dozen times over, perhaps more. It was a rush of give and take, no fighting, everything flowed like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Spock didn't need to ask if James really felt comfortable with his mind being connected to another's, he knew he was, knew how much James truly liked it. James didn't need to ask if Spock really was alright with being bonded (possibly permanently) with an illogical human, he knew he was. Even if they'd just begun to really get to know each other, they were compatible, in ways that would be impossible to explain with words, ways that were felt, known…

A word came to both of them at the same time, and it would be impossible to tell who said it first, or if perhaps they both did; in the end it didn't matter; in that, just like many other things, they were in agreement. A still forming, potentially perfect, balance… harmony…

"T'hy'la..."

 **xXx**

Doctor Leonard McCoy, better known by some as Bones, got a hell of a shock when he returned from Georgia after a week long visit to his daughter (apparently the mess with Nero, even though it had been mostly hidden from the public, had still been enough of a shock for his ex to agree to let him spend time with Joanna) to find that his best-friend had gotten vulcan-married (bonded, as Jim insisted) to the same man (vulcan) that had almost gotten him expelled before the whole mess with the Romulan from the future. Jim had trouble explaining how he'd come to feel so much for Spock in such a short time, enough to be willing to marry him (they were having a human ceremony before shipping out on the Enterprise); then again, the thing with Jocelyn had burned him so badly… it was probably no surprise.

Two things (or rather people) worried James. First there was Uhura, though that fear was allayed quite easily, as Spock explained that while there had been the potential for a romantic relationship between them, it never happened. While there were strictly no rules against it, Spock hadn't felt it to be right to be involved with a student, so when Uhura made her interest known he'd explained his thoughts to her and they agreed to talk about it once she graduated… then Nero happened, and in the midst of all the madness Spock had sought comfort from his parents, and when he chose not to bother them, he went to Jim, not Nyota. They hadn't discussed the bond yet then, and James had spent most of his time with the children (whose numbers had grown as the older ones saw how effective Kirk was at helping them find balance); still, Spock going to him had been telling, enough that once back on Earth Uhura didn't even try to follow him to the Embassy, instead she went to her friends. They had both understood what that meant.

Then there had been Spock's family, James had been especially worried about Sarek, about his reaction to the fact that Spock's bondmate was human. But apparently being willing to risk his life to try and save Vulcan, and then again to save Sarek, Amanda and the Elders, was enough for them to give him a chance. The fact that they were t'hy'la and that was an ancient, near-mythical and highly revered bond probably hadn't hurt matters any. Amanda had been totally delighted to have James join her family; that Spock would have someone who'd love him completely and unconditionally as him, vulcan and human and simply Spock… she knew how hard it was for her son sometimes, that the bullying had never stopped, even if he did his best to no longer react to it. She'd never liked T'Pring, didn't think she was the right match for her son, not in mind, and certainly not in heart, so the fact that he had James… it was everything she could have ever wished for her beloved son.

It would be hard to tell when the fact that he didn't want to be Captain first truly registered for Spock. He didn't need to tell Jim, practically the same instant the thought came, the blonde knew. He also knew why, and understood it, the two were in near-perfect harmony, even after so short a time together. The understanding came, just like it had when they finally talked about the Kobayashi Maru, and the true reason why James chose to hack it.

"You don't believe in no-win scenarios." Spock had summarized it in the end. "And you should not. Because if you did you would be dead, as would we all, the whole world..."

It was the truth, if Jim were the kind of person to believe in no-win scenarios he wouldn't have survived Tarsus IV, neither would the children whose lives he'd saved; without him there would have been no one to connect the dots about Nero's trap, the Enterprise would have been lost, along with all the other ships, and Spock, all the Vulcans Chekov had beamed off planet while James and Spock were getting the Elders wouldn't have been saved; same for the Elders themselves, and Amanda… Truth was, if James believed in no-win scenarios he probably would have never jumped off that car back when he was eleven…

Spock convinced James to share with his family the story of his M'aih (as he kept calling her). It turned out that T'Lura had been T'Pau's granddaughter on her mother's side (a mother that had been married into another clan, and thus wasn't technically part of the same one as Spock). Still, T'Pau never agreed with T'Lura's father's choice to disavow her and was very interested in James joining her clan, and in him eventually passing the tests to consider him a graduate from the SI which, along with VSA was among the first things Vulcans were planning on rebuilding once they found a new world where to settle.

Spock, of course, would be staying in Starfleet, and other Vulcans were interested in joining too, either then or in the future. Sarek and Amanda in particular thought it would be a good option for those who the VSA wouldn't be able to accept, not until they were back to their old capacity. Spock's choice was no longer seen as a dishonor, but a brave decision that had not only allowed him to find his place in the world, but also his match and be in the right place to save (directly or indirectly) so many of his people.

James was very supportive when Spock finally went to Captain, soon-to-be-Admiral, Pike to inform him that he wouldn't be taking his place as Captain of the Enterprise. Spock had insisted that James accompany him, and as they'd taken the opportunity to also inform the man about their relationship (and upcoming nuptials), Jim hadn't been surprised by that. He was certainly surprised when Spock then put forward his name as captain candidate… even more so when Pike gave his backing to the decision.

And so there they were, months later. While James and most of his generation had been exempted from most classes, they still had a few, particularly those of them who comprised the Enterprise's Command Crew. Not all the brass agreed with the fact that about half of them were technically still cadets, and the other half junior officers who'd only been in such positions because there had been no one else; and yet they'd all performed admirably in what was probably the worst worst-case-scenario ever. They'd earned those positions. Still, they were required to take a few more classes, pass a few exams, all while taking fast-tracked training for their posts (the details they hadn't discovered on their own during the crisis). They all agreed it was worth it.

The most unbelievable part, at least for Jim, was how every single crew member of the Enterprise had put in requests to join them officially, they didn't even seem to mind that he would be Captain and Spock First Officer instead. They wanted to serve with them, with the men who'd saved them, and Earth too.

Eventually they were all ready (or as ready as they could be). Graduation came, James T. Kirk was officially granted the rank of Captain and given his commission, with Admiral Pike granting it to him; the command crew were named as well and they all received commendations (medals included) for their actions during the crisis.

James was the only one who had no blood-family at all present but that was alright, because he was forming a new family all his own, beginning with Bones, little Joanna, Spock, Sarek, Amanda, T'Pau and several dozen vulcan children.

 **xXx**

The day before take-off Jim and Spock were going through check-outs, making sure everything was ready, when they caught sight of someone unexpected. A lone Vulcan, standing by a shuttle. It was odd, considering that the Elders were currently residing in the Embassy, while the rest had been assigned to various accommodations offered by a variety of people. Jim had even put his two houses (The old Kirk farm and the house he'd inherited from T'Lura) at their disposition. The youngest had been assigned to the empty Academy dorms and were being kept busy by the few remaining instructors and other volunteers.

"Father." Spock blurted out, illogical as he knew it was, ever since the destruction of Vulcan his father went nowhere without his mother.

He was right, of course. Still, neither he nor James could have ever expected the person who revealed himself as he turned around.  
"I am not our father. There are so few Vulcans left, we cannot afford to ignore each other."

"Holy shit!" James cried out, being the first to make the leap.

"James T. Kirk..." The old Vulcan breathed out in what seemed to be a mix of shock and a near-reverence. "This is… a surprise."

"More than you dropping in on a younger alternate you, I don't think so Spock." Jim deadpanned, purposefully using the name to show he'd seen the truth.

Thanks to the bond, the younger Spock could see what had induced Jim to make such a leap, and while the logic still somewhat escaped him, he couldn't deny the truth.

"I'm going by the name Selek." The old Vulcan informed the two Starfleet officers. "Only the two of you, and possibly our Clan, shall know the truth about me."

"Amanda's gonna flip when she finds out." James quipped, already picturing her reaction.

"You know her!" It was clear Selek wasn't expecting that.

"Yeah." James shrugged. "Met her when Spock and I got her, Sarek and the Elders out of Vulcan. Been living in the Embassy since we got back."

A heartbeat, and then Selek's eyes opened so wide, the young couple couldn't quite believe it.

"You're bonded." He breathed out.

"Indeed." Spock and James stated in unison.

Selek (Spock Prime) couldn't quite believe it. He'd gone there that day looking for his young counterpart, wanting to make sure he'd be staying in Starfleet. Fearing that some might try to use the tragedy of Vulcan to convince him to drop out, and he couldn't allow that. He'd lost his Jim a long time ago, but the possibility of any version of himself not getting the chance to know him, to love him… it was unthinkable. And to find that it had happened already, they'd met, and they were even bonded already! More than two decades before he and his own mate ever were (about eight years before they even knew one another!). Watching James T. Kirk becoming Captain of the Enterprise seven years before his own Jim did (and just graduated too!) had been enough of a shock and yet… yet nothing could compare to the knowledge he'd just gained. Even though he believed that him and Jim, the two of them together, were a universal constant (he'd seen enough universes to believe it), he could have never imagined one quite like that one; and to think that such wonder had happened in the same world were such tragedy had taken place (the Kelvin, the loss of Vulcan, and whatever else might come up yet). At least neither his young counterpart, nor that young blue-eyed Jim were alone, and they likely never would be.

"It would seem that whatever I could have thought of saying has been rendered superfluous and unnecessary." He stated eventually.

"Were you coming to play matchmaker old man?" James arched in a joking manner, but with a thread of serious disbelief underneath.

"Not as such." Selek shrugged, his demeanor showing that such an idea wasn't really that far from the truth. "I just wished to make sure that current events wouldn't conspire to take my younger counterpart from where I knew he'd be needed."

"I know where I belong." Spock said simply.

And he did, indeed. He knew not everyone agreed with him staying in Starfleet. And that those same people blamed him for other young vulcans getting it into their heads that doing such was a good option, a possible path for their own future. Even in that moment they had a list of potential future vulcan crew members; some that would be going to the colony to help, but after their job was done there were interested in joining the Enterprise (and only the Enterprise).

They talked a bit longer, Jim tried to get the old vulcan to tell him secrets of the future, though Selek wouldn't budge. Insisting that their choices were their own and shouldn't be influenced by him. James didn't care that much; a part of him believed that, if they ever truly needed help, advice, or whatever, Selek would give it. It would be a good last resource.

Eventually though, they had to say goodbye. James and Spock still had duties to see to.  
"Since my customary farewell would appear oddly self-serving, I shall simply say good luck." Selek declared, forming a ta'al.

Jim and Spock imitated the sign, wishing him well, and then they parted ways.

 **xXx**

The time came for take off. James sat on his chair, hardly believing he was really there, that they all were. It was so very exciting and terrifying at the same time.

*Easy k'diwa (beloved), you'll be alright.* Spock reassured him through their bond.

*As long as you're with me, ashayam (beloved), I will always be alright.* James replied with an inner smile that was just for him.

The blonde refocused on reality as Sulu announced they were ready. The time had come.

"Take us out Mr. Sulu." He instructed.

"Aye, aye Captain." The navigator replied as he did his part.

And so their lives in space began…

* * *

Not sure if this was made clear in the fic itself, but according to the VLD M'aih means 'mother', unlike Ko'mekh, it's a more casual form of adress. I imagine it's the equivalent of 'mom' or 'Ma'; and I'm sure we all agree that Jim would totally call her that, rather than a more formal version.

I don't know if the relationship came too fast. In my head, being t'hy'la, being soulmates, means they're meant to be, therefore there's really no need for any hesitation, any doubts. With Jim had been mostly raised by a vulcan lady he already knew about such things, so he accepted things easily enough. Also, I believe that with Amanda having been saved Spock was more at peace, which allowed him to connect with Jim better and the two began balancing each other right away (which is why no one ended nerve-pinched or stranded on Delta Vega... no idea how Spock Prime decided to send Scotty anyway, but I suppose that's not too important on the grand scheme of things).

It never actually came up but Van, T'Lura's half-human husband was supposed to be the same young pilot she saves in the shuttle, right before she gets the burns that cost her her eyesight. Not sure why but I liked it that way.

I probably took a lot of liberties with Vulcan traditions, especially where it comes to T'Lura's kal-i-fee; if so, I apologize, I just liked things this way.

Yes, I saved Gaila too! Much as I might love the Star Trek movies I cannot help but think there are way too many pointless deaths!

So, I hope you enjoyed the fic. Full-sized poster/cover can be found in my DeviantArt account (I'm Princess-Lalaith there). Please don't forget to comment. This is my first time writing Star Trek fanfiction and I'd love to know what you think.

P.S. If anyone wishes to translate, remix, podfic or whatever this fic, feel free to do so (I love it when people do that, honestly), just let me know so I can look it up and link it to this one.


End file.
